take a nap for a while... just fall asleep and...

26. november 2011 at 14:39 | Kristen |  My Diary
Je tolik věcí, který bych potřebovala vykřičet světu, aby se mi ulevilo..
Dusím v sobě bolest, smutek, strach, starosti.. to vše, protože jsem ztratila přístup k osobě, která mě v takových chvílích vždy vyslechla, vzala mě za ruku a řekla "to bude dobrý, uvidíš"
Mám pocit, jakobych na všechno byla sama. A kdybych vedle sebe neměla mum, která mě drží nad vodou...
všechno by bylo jinak
Někdy přemejšlím o věcech, které jsem nikdy před tím nechápala. Ještě před rokem jsem koukala na zprávy, četla titulek Mladík si vzal život kvůli škole a řikala si "sakra, jak to může někde udělat? já bych to nedokázala..." A rozhodně to nebyla slova obdivu nebo pochopení. Teď to ale začínám všechno chápat, až moc dobře.. Někdy si řikám, že by to bylo to nejlepší. Uniknout tomu všemu, co se děje za oknem mého pokoje, tam venku. Roztáhnout křídla a uletět. Pryč. Zavřít oči a nechat se unést..
Přechod na střední mě odstřihl od lidí, na který jsem byla tak zvyklá! V devítce už mi všichni lezli krkem, těšila jsem se až od nich vypadnu, až přejdu do novýho kolektivu. Představovala jsem si to všechno tak strašně růžově. Byla jsem hodně naivní. Teď bych dala cokoliv, vážně cokoliv, abych mohla být zase s těma svejma milovanejma hajzlíkama, který jsem tak nenáviděla. hey, blbečci, miluju vás! pojďme všichni zase na základku! Vždycky, když se teď s nima vidím, jsem tak šťastná.. Připadám si jako malý dítě. Nedokážu to vysvětlit, ale je to tak. Jsem jako malý spokojený děťátko, mezi svejma lidma, mezi lidma, co ho mají rádi.

HEY! za necelej měsíc je tu ten den, na kterej se těšim hned od 24. prosince. Hned, co dojim salát a řízek, řikám si o nášup se slovy "kurňa, já už chci další šťedrej den!" Tenhle den je ten nejlepší v roce a to nekecám! Jako by každý ráno 24.prosince ten někdo nahoře začaroval celej svět. Celej štědrej den je vždycky tak dokonalej, pohodovej, radostnej, krásnej a ... A hlavně jsem s lidma, který mě maj opravdově rádi. V jejich očích nevidim žádnou přetvářku ani faleš. Na ně se můžu spolehnout. Možná proto se tak strašně těšim! A je mi jedno, že už to nebude jako když jsem byla šestiletý smráďo a těšila sem se na tuny dárků pod stromkem. Ale dopis bych napsat mohla. Nenapíšu na něj seznam věcí, za který musíš utratit spoustu peněz. Napíšu TO, co bych si doopravdy přála! JO! A napíšu to teď hned, až zavřu noťas! Třeba mi to Ježíšek splní...Těšim se na teplý ponožky, cukroví od babičky, pohádky a americký vánoční filmy, sníh za oknem, kakao, klid a pohodu.
Těšim se, až s bráchou ustrojíme stromeček. Pustíme si k tomu Landu a jeho texty k zamyšlení, budem se smát a všechno bude fajn. Těšim se, těšim se, těšim se!
Škoda, že zbývá těch několik dní.. zdá se to jako věčnost, ale bývá to tak, že to uteče a ani si to neuvědomíte...
  • Víte co potřebuju?
tohle...
 

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1 Džull Džull | Web | 26. november 2011 at 16:11 | React

Já se na Vánoca těším hlavně kvůli tomu, že budem všichni spolu.Celá naše rodina bude pohromady.Budem se smát a budem si povídat to, co se stalo.Kdžy jsme se neviděli.Bude naprosto perfektní atmosféra.Stůl bude zaplněný a pak se sejdem kolem vánočního stromečku, který krásně osvětluje pokoj.Sednem si a vrhnem se na dárky, ale ne kvůli to, že jsme nedočkaví a zvědaví, ale kvůli tomu, abychom každému z nás dali dárek od srdce.

Miluji vše, co se děje kolem Vánoc.Miluji tu atmosféru, když procházím pokoj, který voní jehličím,cukrovým a skořicí.Zbožňuji, když venku padá sníh a okna osvětlují barevné žárovky a hlavně to teplo rodinného krbu. Pamatuji si, že když jsem psala Ježíškovi.Přála jsem si kouzelné sluchátko z Macha a Šebestové.A to je kvůli tomu, abych si přivolala babičku.Přeji si to dodnes.Abych ji mohla znovu uvidět.Je hrozné, že i po tolika letech mi schází, čím dál tím víc.Stýská se mi aspoň po vůni, která by mi ji připomněla.Když to teď takhle píšu.Uvědomuji si, jaká věc mi na Vánoce chybí.

2 Džull Džull | Web | 26. november 2011 at 16:11 | React

Můj koment se objevil jako spam.Jeslti chceš povol ho:)

3 Lála Lála | Web | 26. november 2011 at 21:36 | React

to máš hezký, ale u nás je to ještě víc v prdeli v tom, že spolu nic nemáme, i když bychom oba asi chtěli a všichni ostatní si myslí, že spolu jsme. my spolu ale nejsme a je to jeden z mých nejlepších kamarádů :-) i když je to fakt hard...

4 DayDreamer DayDreamer | Web | 26. november 2011 at 21:45 | React

Koukám, že máme společné problémy - taky jsem si všechno vysnila moc růžově a teď jsem zklamaná, že není skoro nic podle mých představ. Sice se nechci vrátit za bývalýma spolužákama, to fakt ne, ale byla bych nejradši, kdyby se se mnou bavila alespoň půlka lidí ve škole a tím nemyslím jenom pozdrav a otázka typu "nevíš, v jaký jsme učebně?".
A taky už POTŘEBUJU kluka. Štve mě, že o mě nikdo ani pohledem nezavadí celý dva roky a teď ještě přišlo to hnusný zklamání. A nejlepší na tom všem je, že dvě z mých nejlepších kámošek mají teď zrona kluky...jedna o něm dokolečka mele, druhá sice ne, ale pořád říká, že to vidím moc černě. Ale sakra, jí se to lehce řekne! No nic, další můj výlev srdce:D

5 Tracy Tracy | Web | 27. november 2011 at 18:36 | React

Ahoj, začínám zase znovu s blogem, tak jsem se Tě chtěla zeptat, jestli by si chtěla spřátelit :)
Taky mám někdy takové pocity, já na sebevraždu myslela už několikrát, často se cítím sama, připadám si na světě úplně sama, ale možná to jen přeháním.Přece jen, je plno lidí, kteří jsou na tom mnohem hůře. Mě by stačilo ke štěstí mít prostě fajn rodinu, nemuseli bychom být ani extra bohatí,prostě abychom spolu vycházeli, chtěla bych mít nějakou kamarádku,s kterou bych se cítila dobře a věděla, že mě vždy podrží a, že se jí můžu se vším svěřit..a taky bych potřebovala kluka, už dlouho žádného nemám..obyčejného kluka..,ale kdo by chtěl tlustou holku? V obličeji sem se sebou spokojená,ale postava?To je jednoduše HNUS. Já se přechodu na střední docela děsím a jak si tu čtu co píšeš tak se toho děsím ještě víc. Já myslím, že to co ty prožívá asi každý a v tomhle věku jsme všichni tak nějak naivní :) Hezky píšeš, dobře se to čte..Já si také myslím, že Štědrý den je jeden z nejhezčích dnů v roce.Jak se tak dívám, moc toho na Vánoce nechceš, to já toho chtěla fakt moc, ale díky špatným známkám z matematiky asi dostanu leda uhlí nebo brambory.Stejně bych si ted na sebe ani nekoupila žádné oblečení, připadá mi, že mi nic nesluší a, že jsem ve všem hrozně tlustá!Taky to znáš? Omlouvám se, že jsem se tak rozkecala :)

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